The Weekly Rant with Gary Patella

Thoughts and ideas on various grievances that are relevant to everyday life.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

How To Walk: A Guide For Morons

Definition:
Walk- To pass over, on, or through on foot.

This activity seems simple enough. Placing one foot in front of the other is something that the average person achieves at approximately one year of age. And yet despite the lapse of time between age one and adulthood, most people have not mastered the simple act of walking. Of course, given time, most people will eventually be able to reach a destination by foot. But the question is "How much time?"
Nowadays people tend to walk as if they have to think about each and every step. It does not come to them automatically, as it should. It should be mentioned that the word "walk" can also be defined as such: to move or cause to move on foot at a pace slower than a run. Some may disagree with me here, but I don't believe that the word slower should be taken to mean a snail's pace. When someone's foward motion is barely more than a dead standstill I find it to be absurd. That person blocks pedestrian traffic and annoys the hell out of people like me.
But why should I have an issue with such people? The reason is simple. They slow me down. People that move in a sloth-like manner always seem to be in the middle of a path. They never have the courtesy to stand (it seems to be a more accurate description of their motion) to the side.
In the subway stations this problem is out of control. Almost everyone strolls along at a ridiculously slow pace. If they were moving any slower they would be walking backwards. And when it comes to the stairs in the subway it is the same story. The people will stop in front of the same stairs that they see every morning and stare (no pun intended) as if they are witnessing some new phenomenon. A flight of stairs that should be traversed in five seconds takes more than thirty. I am forced to get up earlier and take an earlier train to get to work on time in order to account for these people.
So for those that don't know, I will explain how to walk. Start by placing one foot in front of the other. Then pick up the foot in the rear and place it in front of your other foot. Repeat this process over and over. Once you learn it, it should not be that hard. Practice at home, in the park, or with a friend. But please stay the hell out of my way! I have destinations to reach.

4 Comments:

At 8:11 PM , Blogger Pig Headed Meat Doll said...

Another thing that should link to this is the concept "SIDEWALK". on the side of vehicular traffic, a path for walking. yet you will find shoppers, lost tourists, lost locals, and vagrants of all stripe standing in the middle of pedestrian traffic. Why!?! I mean if you were driviing a car, and the driver in front of you stops to admire a spongebob doll in the store window, you honk your horn, cops could ticket, etc etc. A gaggle of midwestern tourists stand in the middle of the causeway, staring in awe at an "I heart NY" t-shirt and hold up foot traffic! unreal.

For this reason, and for sheer joy, I believe tourist season should be somewhat synonomous with deer season, and I want my hunting license.

 
At 10:21 PM , Anonymous Theresa said...

miI firmly believe that these people, who seem to walk back in time, should be killed or at least sterilized. What are they contributing to society other than our aggravation? I hate those people who just stand and the bottom of the escalator admiring the view while the people who try to exit the escalator are piling up and stumbling around them. AHHH, kill the annoying fuckers!

 
At 7:00 PM , Blogger Chuck Deggsy said...

Just like car lanes, we need people lanes. Right lane for assholes, slow pokes, tourists, heroine addicts, lost folks and hookers.
Middle lane for the working class, locals who walk at a steady pace, and seeing eye dogs.
Left Lane, for the rest of us, who know where were are going and who need to get there damn fast, most likely cause we had that cup of coffee, and need to take a shit at the office bathroom.

PS
Today's word verification to post to this site is brought to us by the Helena Rubenstein Foundation, a long time supporter of outstanding Word Verfications:
APGBYRYL: Verb, past tense, meaning: to FUCK Vigorously Unprotected and in an Unholy Manor.

 
At 10:41 PM , Blogger David said...

Well written, speed demon.

After thinking for a moment, I realized that these people who have not yet fully grasped the nuances of the bipedal shuffle may have inserted themselevs into the cross section of people who fly planes in and out of JFK for a living, which would explain the interminable delays at this institution.

 

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