The Weekly Rant with Gary Patella

Thoughts and ideas on various grievances that are relevant to everyday life.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

On Cockblocking

Sexual attraction is part of nature and Homo sapiens is no exception. The courting process can take place in various forms and locations. But there can often arise a particular problem when one tries to woo another, and the problem is ubiquitous. It is so common that almost everyone is familiar with it. I am speaking of cockblocking.

Although the term is now used in reference to any interfering behaviour, I shall only deal with the original use (i.e. prevention of sexual behaviour or chemistry). A cockblocker is an individual that obstructs another from having sex, making out, or even getting a phone number. For the purposes of this rant, the intervention does not have to directly block one from engaging in coitus. It can serve as an impediment to any type of sexual connection, and in that sense it indirectly prevents sexual intercourse.

The strategies of the cockblocker are numerous. I will try to describe as many methods as possible, though I may not get to (or know of) all of them. Let us begin.

The Taker:

This individual is quite common and very well-known. The Taker is an individual that simply walks up to two people that are starting to hit it off and then takes one of them away with a particular excuse.

The excuse can be vague such as "I need her for a second." There is also the quite pathetic strategy employed by extreme losers whereby a karaoke duet is entered. This guy will certainly not get any action with his blatantly desperate method, but if he continually takes away the girl to sing some stupid songs, he could also stop you from getting anywhere. I suppose in this guy's mind some magical connection will occur while singing the song together. He obviously lives in fantasy land, but the fact that this method has NEVER worked doesn't seem to hinder him.

Also a Taker is the infamous "We've got to go" girl. The "We've got to go" girl is the friend that is typically less charming, less attractive, and therefore jealous that her friend is being hit on. They are known by their famous motto "We came together and we're leaving together!" I need not say anymore about them, for they are very well-known.

The Sleepover:

Although this method is a bit rare, it does deserve mention. To the best of my knowledge, this method is mostly used by females. This happens when a male is talking to a female that by chance happens to live nearby. A friend of the female will sometimes intervene by saying "I think I'm just going to sleep at your place tonight." And that spells game over. It seemed too good to be true with the girl living right in the area. And apparently it was.

The Latcher:

This person is a typical third wheel with a twist. A third wheel is not necessarily a cockblocker. There are many third wheels that feel uncomfortable and excuse themselves in order to slip away. The Latcher does the exact opposite. He or she latches on and never leaves the other two alone. Without any alone time, there is often no chance of anything happening. And trust me, this person does not grant ANY alone time.

The Latcher can be a real problem. There are, however, two methods to dealing with an individual latching on. The first method is to play the waiting game. Wait until he or she is finally gone. But this method is not that reliable, especially when the Latcher has all of the time in the world. The second method is extreme bluntness. This is rude, but can be very effective. You must tell the third wheel that he or she is, in fact, a third wheel and should probably leave. This takes the Latcher by surprise, and shortly thereafter the person is gone.

I will note that the latching on method has been coined The Wet T-shirt method by Paul Garcia.

The Shadow:

Similar to the Latcher, the Shadow also has a tendency to latch on. The difference is that the Shadow is attached to one of the two individuals rather than the couple. It will either be a guy following the girl everywhere she goes or a girl following the guy. More often than not, it is a guy that follows a girl. This is because a woman can have a male friend that she has no interest in. But for whatever reason, women are often clueless to the fact that that male friend has the hots for her. So he will follow her around constantly, not leave her side, and prevent anything from happening. And for some reason the girl always seems confused as to why she can't hook up.

If you're one of these women with a male friend, here's a clue: don't bring him with you and you'll have a much better chance of romance.

The Commentator:

This person has the ability to hinder someone's game by throwing out little remarks every now and then. The remarks will sometimes poke fun at something said, or sometimes they seem to negate and outright dismiss what was said. They can also be comments that bring up negative information from the past, or comments that try to point out negative things about one of the individuals. There are many types of small comments that can be made, but the one uniting factor is that all of these comments are malicious.

The individual carefully chooses the comments at the appropriate times, and inserts them casually into conversation. Although all of the comments are meant to stop any chemistry, they do not need to all be negative. For example, a friend of the female can make negative comments about the guy but still throw compliments at the female. Whatever the situation, the Commentator is an outright deliberate cockblocker, and quite a pain in the ass.

The Wedge:

The name gives the description. This person inserts him or herself in between the other two individuals with hook up potential. The presence of this person can be a hindrance, and even if he or she leaves the damage is sometimes already done. The Wedge can occur at a critical moment. For the time being, it seems that there is nothing happening and no reason to stay away from those three individuals. And then this allows others to simply engage the potential couple.

It should be noted that although it is often intentional, the Wedge can be performed accidentally. It sometimes happens when a drunken friend goes up to the two and says something like "This guy is a good guy." And then he lingers there drunk for a while before walking off. This changes the mood. A talkative individual could also insert him or herself in between the two to say something. And these methods serve to cockblock without being malicious.

Courtus Interruptus:

This is when an individual does something that makes the two people take pause. The person can drop something heavy to create a bang, shout something that makes everyone turn around, or break a glass. If done at a critical moment, it can be devastating.

In a sub-category of this method is the Flatulator. A well-placed fart can definitely change the mood and stop any potential chemistry.

The Alcohol Provider:

This goes along the lines of "If I can't have you, no one can!" To the best of my knowledge this method is only used by men on women. This guy will continually buy drink after drink (typically in the form of shots) until the woman is drunk to the point where she will no longer hook up with anyone. In all likelihood she goes home alone and pukes when this method is used.

The Atmosphere Changer:

This can happen one of two ways: either the whole atmosphere of the place changes by means of different music, lighting, et cetera or a whole group wishes to move to a different location. In either case, a change of atmosphere can result in a change of chemistry. For whatever reason, the connection that seemed to be there has disappeared with the ambiance.

The Preemptive Cockblock:

Finally, there is the cockblock that takes place prior to any possible connections. This is done by request. A person will tell a friend "Do me a favour and don't hit on ______. I'm going to try for him/her." This effectively stops the person from engaging the other.

Although the request can sometimes be seen as valid (e.g. the person is in love with the other), it can be a problem. The Preemptive Cockblockers sometimes take it to an extreme. Rather than one taboo individual, an entire list is created. At this point it becomes like the boy who cried wolf. You like everyone? How can that be? Giving into the request should be expected initially. But when the requests become numerous, they have to be ignored.

In summary, if you are one of the cockblockers described above, please stop! It is simply wrong to interfere with the potential chemistry of others, especially when you have nothing to gain by it. If you spent the same amount of time trying to create a connection of your own you'd probably be better off. It is better to build than to destroy.


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