The Weekly Rant with Gary Patella

Thoughts and ideas on various grievances that are relevant to everyday life.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How To Make A Cup Of Coffee: Another Guide For Morons

Coffee is one of the most consumed beverages in the world. Billions of people drink it, and even those that don't are certainly familiar with the beverage. It has been cultivated for almost 1,200 years. Yet making a cup of coffee to order seems to be a task that very few can handle.

Brewing a pot of coffee is certainly simple enough. But my gripe is not with those that are unable to brew coffee. I am only frustrated with the countless many that already have a brewed pot of coffee, try to pour it into a cup for someone (sometimes with cream and/or sugar depending on the person's taste), and screw it up horribly. It doesn't seem like rocket science to me. But apparently it is extremely difficult since so many can't handle it.

Due to the staggering number of people that cannot fix a proper cup of coffee, it is clear that instruction is needed. I will not go into the steps involved in brewing coffee. If you can't handle simply fixing a cup of coffee, brewing would obviously be too much to handle. We have to take baby steps. So we will start the instructions assuming that someone already brewed a pot of coffee.

Step 1:

Ask the person how he/she would like his/her coffee

Step 2:

Now pay attention, because this is the tricky part that most people mess up. I will guide you through several scenarios, and hopefully that foundation will help you to handle a variety of other unmentioned requests.

If the person says:

"I'll have it regular"

This means cream and two sugars. Now to make the cup with cream and two sugars here is what you do. Pour the coffee in the cup. Pour in some cream/milk. Add two sugars. Two sugars would either be two teaspoons of sugar or two sugar packets. Since you are clearly incompetent, let's stick with sugar packets. That way we don't have to go through the task of teaching you how to use a spoon, or the even more difficult task of teaching you the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon.

"Cream/milk only, no sugar"

In this case, you start the same as before by pouring the coffee in the cup. Then you add cream/milk. This may be a difficult concept to grasp, but if the words "no sugar" are in the request, you actually leave out the step of adding sugar.

"Two sugars, no cream/milk"

For this request, you pour the coffee in the cup (hopefully you're catching on that this is how it starts). Then you add two sugars. If you think you're brave enough to learn how to use a spoon, then go for it. Otherwise, stick to sugar packets.

For these scenarios, I am doing something very rare. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that you know how to count. If you don't know how to count, learn that first. Then when you've mastered counting up to five, you can start tackling coffee.

I can't go through all of the possible requests, but note that the number of sugars requested can vary. If the request is for three sugars, use three. For one sugar, use only one.

Finally, we get to the most difficult request. This one is almost impossible to get right. For people with intelligence, it seems like the simplest request. But I know from experience that this order is the one that always gets screwed up.

"Black, no sugar"

First off, we have to understand what is meant by the word "black" when using it to discuss coffee. This means that no cream or milk is added. I should point out that the previous scenario could also be phrased "Black, two sugars." Hopefully, this can be learned after reading through thesse instructions a few times.

So for this request, there will be no milk or cream added. The request "no sugar" means that no sugar is added either. So to make a cup of coffee "Black, no sugar" here are the difficult steps involved:

Pour the coffee into the cup.

This is extremely difficult for most people. You do not add anything to the coffee in this case. You simply pour it into the cup. Maybe, with practice, you can master the art of making this most difficult cup of coffee. I've seen people that I thought were intelligent screw it up, so don't be fooled by the one step. Most people get this order wrong.

Step 3:

Finally, we get to the final step. After you have taken the order and made the cup of coffee, there is one thing left to do. You give the cup to the person that requested it. If by some miracle you were able to navigate through the complexities of Step 2, then this final step should be easy for you.

Keep practicing and maybe, some day in the distant future, you too will be smart enough to give someone a cup of coffee.

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