The Weekly Rant with Gary Patella

Thoughts and ideas on various grievances that are relevant to everyday life.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

On Public Displays Of Affection

Public displays of affection are familiar to almost everyone. At some point in time pretty much everyone, including myself, has been guilty of this charge. In the course of life and socialization there are bound to be a few drunken times where people make out (or worse) in an inappropriate place. It would be rather hypocritical of me to not excuse a lot of these incidents.

However, some people have taken this behaviour to another level. There are some people that need no substance to act inappropriately. When a sober couple must spend an entire bus ride or train ride making out, something about it just doesn't seem right. The constant kissing sounds are actually distracting. And these people are fully sober! There is no reason to be locking lips for a non-stop hour outside of the bedroom.

Don't get me wrong. I am not anti kissing in public. I am simply saying that there is an unwritten time limit and quantity. Far too often people overdo it. And the people that overdo it usually seem to be doing it for attention. This becomes obvious when the kissing sounds they make are many decibels higher than the typical volume. It is as if they wish to announce it to everyone. "Hey everybody! Look at me! I'm making out!" That's very nice for you. Now please stop. You're making everyone else uncomfortable.

Why do these people feel the need to make out for such a long time? Why do they kiss more loudly than everyone else? Obviously they must have some psychological need for validation. But this is not only stupid, it is actually counter-productive. The person is already with someone else that is willing to make out. And all of the bystanders are not cheering you on as you make out for a ridiculously long time. They are more likely looking at you with derision.

So if you are one of these people that need to make out non-stop for a ridiculously long amount of time in public, please get some help. You need to have your brain picked by a psychiatrist and get your issues cleared up. It is not normal to make out non-stop in a restaurant. Nor is it normal to make out for an entire bus ride or train ride. Learn to kiss like a normal person! The hour hand on your watch should not move from one number to the next by the time the kiss ends. Nor should the kissing sound be louder than a shotgun. At a certain point, these PDAs become just plain rude.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

On Memory

The mental faculty of retaining and recalling past experience is something with which almost everyone is familiar. Everyone must use and rely on memory for a great many things in everyday life-- too many, in fact, to actually list. Yet despite the fact that we are so utterly dependent upon recollection, most people are really rather ill-equipped to recollect much of anything. This can become extremely annoying.

Having to repeat something over again to the same person can be tedious. It's also annoying to receive the same exact forwarded emails and text messages from the same person. How terrible can your memory possibly be? You just sent me the same message a week ago? But the lack of memory doesn't stop there. As if not remembering anything couldn't become annoying enough, everyone around me suddenly makes up memories every now and then.

False memories are so widespread that I sometimes feel like I'm the only one around who remembers what actually happened. Everyone else just seems to be making shit up. As a person that is a stickler for the truth, I get really agitated whenever I hear someone tell a story and add in elements that never occurred. If I wanted to hear exaggerated phony memories, I'd go rent Big Fish. What is the matter with everyone?

It gets even worse when I'm somehow involved in the story. Suddenly I'm being quoted on things I've never said, performing actions that I've never done, and sometimes I appear in locations where I've never set foot. When the words, actions, and locations are unflattering it makes it even worse. I'm not angered when certain embarrassing moments about me are revealed. But that is only when the said event has actually taken place. Stop putting words in my mouth, making me do things, and whisking me away to unknown places when it is all made up.

So to everyone out there, try harder to remember what actually happened. If you cannot, then please refrain from telling stories about the past. Chances are that those stories contain way too many fictional elements. And if you must tell a fictional story claiming that you remember it, please leave me out of it! I have no idea what the problem is with you people, but it seems to me like the whole world has some form of amnesia. In short, let those few people that can actually remember things be the ones to recall and relate past events. The rest of you just plain suck at it!

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

You're Not That Cryptic!

With people being the way they are, it is not uncommon for many to talk about others behind their backs. Even the best of us sometimes succumbs to temptation and feels the need to make a statement about someone not present. And the comments are usually the type that would not be said to the subject's face. Some people engage in this behaviour more frequently than most while others, such as myself, strive to keep such comments to a minimum.

Now it wouldn't be fair to criticize others for talking behind peoples' backs. Although I don't like to, I have also been guilty of the same action on occasion. But there is a point at which it becomes too extreme. The question is, how do you know when talking about others becomes too excessive? It is very hard to pinpoint the exact cut-off. But if you have become so used to the behaviour that you can no longer wait until the person isn't present, you have a problem.

This occurs a lot more frequently than one would imagine, and it is extremely uncomfortable. Instead of waiting a little while, the person decides to speak in code about someone else present. This is really stupid, and it is not fair to everyone else. When every other person can crack your code, what makes you think that the subject of the joke can't decipher your language? That person understands what you are saying the same as everyone else. Now no one can laugh, even if the comment is funny, and everyone else feels bad that the person knows we are talking about him or her. Of course it is really only one person doing the talking. But since that one idiot decides to talk in a way that includes all but one person, it makes it seem as though all parties are involved.

There are many situations where this crops up. As an example, people may be gathered together and one person may have a toupee. At that point someone may say to me "Hey, check out the oupee tay." Really? Oupee tay is your code? Do you really think that no one else can figure that out? There are tons of other examples, but it is always the same basic story. The person uses some really easy-to-figure-out code in the hopes that no one but the intended recipients of the message can decipher it. Well I have a news flash: you're not that cryptic! Everyone knows what you are saying, including the guy wearing the oupee tay!

Here's some food for thought. If you don't have a code already worked out with someone, what makes you think that you can make one up on the spot and have only that person figure it out? It simply can't be done. If you think of something on the spot, either no one will figure it out or everyone will figure it out. Those are the only two options. So the next time you wish to talk about someone behind his or her back, don't do it in front of that person's face. I assure you, he or she will know exactly what you're saying. And you are making me extremely uncomfortable when you try to include me in your stupid code! Have some patience. Supposedly it's a virtue.