How To Walk Through A Door: Another Guide For Morons

The door dates as far back as any form of architecture. Even the most primitive of housing structures had to contain some way to enter and exit. When using the more simplistic definition, a door can simply mean a passage into a structure. In this sense, the door has existed before Homo sapiens. Despite the eons granted for our species to familiarize itself with doorways, many have fallen short of mastering this architectural necessity.

Oftentimes, as I approach a doorway behind someone else, I notice a strange hesitancy on the other's part. Before passing through the door, there is a slight pause. I'm really not sure what can cause this. Is there a moment of contemplation taking place? Is the person wondering if this is really the way through? I don't get it. It's called a door. You walk through it. I promise it won't hurt you!

Others seem to pause immediately after passing through. What is going on here? Is the person astonished that they are magically inside or in a different room? We know that when passing through a slit, there will be some diffraction that occurs on the quantum level. Perhaps these people are so highly sensitive that they can feel the slight diffraction that has taken place, and therefore must take pause. Then again, a person that sensitive would probably be unable to move.

Furthermore, the pause is not always a slight one. Sometimes an entire group will pass through a door and come to a complete stop, impeding all pedestrian traffic to follow. These oxygen thieves should just be killed for the sake of everyone that isn't a complete moron. If you are really so taken aback by passing through a doorway, at least have the composure to move a few feet through before stopping. That way others can continue to use the same passage.

So the next time you encounter a doorway, go right through. There is no complex thinking involved here. It will take you either into another room, from outside to inside, or vice versa. Do not be surprised at this. And if you do pass through a door and come to a complete stop, just hope that I'm not behind you. Because I'm on the verge of knocking someone down!

On Telemarketers

The telephone has been around for over a century. Many great minds have contributed to its invention, and in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell was awarded the patent for the electric telephone. The purpose of the telephone is obvious. We now have the ability to talk to people we know even when they are at a great distance.

The majority of people wish to talk to friends and family over the phone. Sometimes co-workers or mere acquaintances may also be called for various reasons. But nevertheless, most individuals tend to call people that they somehow know. Unfortunately, not everyone views the telephone the same way. There are those that make a living out of calling complete strangers. I am referring to the telemarketers.

Telemarketing is one of the greatest annoyances that has ever been created. I answer the phone to hear some douche on the other end trying to sell me something. And why do they all speak in a fake southern accent? Is that supposed to grab my interest? If you're a telemarketer, I'm hanging up. I don't care from what region of the world you hail. Yet even these fake accents are preferable to the calls where I hear a recording. I feel like I've been pranked by a machine.

The Do Not Call lists have made some headway in keeping the telemarketers in check. But they are still able to call if they are associated with one of your credit cards or your cell phone company. Why cell phones have to even be included on the Do Not Call list is beyond me. I never thought such people should be allowed to call a regular phone. Never mind a cell phone.

My main point is that telemarketers should be stopped. If you or I called a bunch of random strangers it would be considered a prank call and therefore illegal. Why are they able to do it? These people have no right to intrude on others in that way. In the real world, you advertise and then have the customers come to you. You don't chase random people down and try to convert them to customers.

So if you are a telemarketer, do me a favour and leave me the hell alone! In fact, do the world a favour and go kill yourself! Don't worry. No one will miss you. I promise.

On Laugh Tracks

Comedy has been around for a very long time. Even the grumpiest of individuals enjoys a good laugh from time to time. Comedy comes in many forms. There are many genres within comedy. And the medium through which comedy is delivered can greatly vary. There are funny radio shows, comedic plays, movies, stand-up, and television.

Comedy certainly belongs on television, and it allowed for the invention of situation comedies. Unfortunately, a terrible annoyance has also accompanied many of these sitcoms. I usually applaud most inventions, but I cannot commend Charles Douglass for his concept of canned laughter. It is terribly annoying and completely unnecessary.

I understand that a live studio audience may be too much to ask. There are expenses and planning to deal with when bringing in an audience. Also, one disruptive person could ruin an otherwise flawless scene. But it doesn't justify using fake laughter. If a joke is funny, people will laugh. They don't need to be prompted by some recording. Even the most intellectually challenged individual laughs when he or she finds something funny.

A bad joke on a sitcom gets brushed over as mere dialogue when no laugh track is added. A bad joke accompanied by a laugh recording actually reveals to all that the unfunny dialogue was intended as a joke. I don't need to be told what is funny and what isn't! I can laugh on my own, thank you very much! These laugh tracks are nothing but annoying useless recordings and they ruin the enjoyment of watching a program.

Despite the views of television producers, laugh tracks are not a necessary evil. They are merely an evil. It is time to put this sixty-year-old abomination to rest. Laugh tracks do not attract ratings, do not deceive people into thinking a show is funny, and certainly do not prompt people to laugh at something that wasn't funny. It is high time that the laugh track joins its inventor in the grave.